


Boromir and The Talk

by interstellarshipwreck



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Hobbits Come From Cabbage Patches, The Talk, also most of the characters are only mentions btw, boromir is exasperated, pippin is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27429226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellarshipwreck/pseuds/interstellarshipwreck
Summary: “Pippin,” Boromir began, picking the dirt off his boots, “you do know how you were born, right?”“Yes.”“Oh, thank—““I have a couple ideas actually,” Pippin began. “Merry likes to say I was dropped right into Farmer Maggot’s cabbage patch, and they just found me there.”-Pippin’s just about of age for a Hobbit, and someone has to give him the Talk. You can find a prequel to this over on NicWrites on AO3, called Let’s Talk About.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Boromir and The Talk

Boromir sighed, head in hand, once the decision was made. Pippin was like a little brother to him, in age as well as stature. He loved him. Still, he wasn’t really… prepared for how to put these things. He didn’t even give the talk to Faramir, just answered the questions their hasty father had left him with. Oh well.

He might’ve just imagined the smug, grateful smiles on his friends faces when they turned in for the night. He might’ve imagined that no, he wasn’t inside Pippin’s tent, Pippin would be sleeping elsewhere and this could all be peacefully avoided…Not the case.  
Merry came back with him, their curly hair soaked from a quick dip in the river. He’d cleverly distracted his cousin during this whole decision-making mess, omitting himself from it altogether. Through the slit of the tent’s door, Boromir could see the lucky Hobbit nod at him with something between understanding and smug enjoyment, before sauntering off.  
“Merry, you need your sleep!”  
“Hush, I’m just asking Legolas about that poison ivy. You tuck in!” Merry yelled back, now taking off running, snickering.  


...Well, he wasn’t about to not take that sort of advice.  


“Oh, hello!” Pippin yawned at his visitor inside the tent, who had taken to somewhat nervously cleaning his sword. They’d been sharing stories and folktales before bed, so this wasn’t too odd. But the Hobbit couldn’t help thinking the air felt off, strange, like one of them was holding tension, but maybe it was just the-  
“We, uh, have to talk about something. Take a seat, Pippin.”  
“That’s awful formal.”  
“What was it you said before? That you and Merry used to say as- as kids?”  
“Plonk down, plop down, hunker down…”  
“Uh. Plonk down.”  
“Don’t mind if I do!” Pippin smiled, and well.. plonked down onto his bedroll, crosslegged. The pillow let loose a few feathers, which drifted to the floor long before Boromir actually spoke again.  
“So. I know that you’re the youngest of us here, and that must be hard. Not only to see things cruel as this while so young, but also how the Fellowship seems to treat you when strategizing. Merry likes to be trying with your age, while Gandalf disapproves of your ideas because of it, and Legolas seems to disregard you. Well, he disregards nearly everyone, but that‘s for another day. What I’m saying is that anyone matures fast in times like these, what with the war, the Ring, the-“  
“Pardon me for interrupting, but Merry‘ll be expecting me asleep soon. What are you trying to say?”  
“That once this war is done, well, you’ll have many fans back home. Some women who you might want to court, and that will want to court you in turn. Who you’ll grow close to.”  
“And?”  
“Pippin,” Boromir began, picking the dirt off his boots, “you do know how you were born, right?”  
“Yes.”  
“Oh, thank—“  
“I have a couple ideas actually,” Pippin began. “Merry likes to say I was dropped right into Farmer Maggot’s cabbage patch, and they just found me there. My father talks about my mother’s stomach being quite large, so maybe it has something to do with how much you eat. That’d make sense for Hobbits.”  
“You‘re a bit closer with that last one. Women have an organ called a womb, or they might have two, though I think that’s just an Old Wive’s Tale. The womb is below the navel and well… I’ve also heard it looks like the head of a ram? That’s where the baby grows, and thats why your mother’s stomach grew big.”  
“I sure hope it doesn’t have horns. The kicker is… how exactly does the baby get there?”  
Well, he knew this was coming sooner or later.  
“I’ll get around to that bit, uh.. sooner or later.” He stuttered. Smooth. “Based on what I’ve told you though, you’d expect women and men have different parts, right?”  
“Oh, yes. My sisters have to wear bodices and I don’t, quite thankfully too.”  
“Yes,” Boromir laughed, “those look uncomfortable. But women don’t just have wombs, they have… outer differences as well. Similar area, below the navel, between their legs. Instead of what you’ve got, they have a sort of a hole. It’s covered sometimes, othertimes not. And it leads inside her body, to the womb. In order to create a child, you must have both the man and the maiden. I figure you know what the man contributes?”  
“I, uh..” Pippin looked to the side, laughing. “I do know, but it’s awfully embarrassing! How did you know?”  
“No need to be ashamed, every man does it. And coupled with a woman, you’d figure their two parts fit together. A hole and well.. something to put in it. It tends to be tight, which allows the man to finish the deed, and then the wait happens. No one knows how it begins, but after sexual intercourse, usually a child begins to grow within the womb. Does that answer your question?”  
“Yes. But I do have a few more if you don’t mind.”  
“Oh, of course I don’t mind,” Boromir spoke, very much minding it, “go ahead and ask.”  
“Does the woman also uh… experience feeling really good? What’s that feeling called, exactly? And are there any other things I need to know about lasses before I do intercourse with one?” Pippin smiled. Boromir was surprised the Hobbit wasn’t taken aback, that he wanted to know more. Was this information even part of the agreement?  
It took Boromir a little while to get his bearings. He swore he could hear quiet laughter from Legolas and Gimli’s tent, and for once, hoped it was for solely intimate reasons. If they were listening, they may as well contribute.  
“Yes… well, usually. Women can also experience climax- that’s what it’s called- during intercourse. Midwives say it aids her chance of producing a child, but in my personal experience, it can be harder to achieve than a man’s.”  
...Did he just hear laughing again?  
“But you’re not a father… you can do intercourse without making a little one?”  
“Have intercourse,” he corrected, “but if you’re careful, then yes. Things like removing yourself from her before you’ve completed help, along with the woman consuming certain herbs. And uh…” Boromir paused, eyes flicking between the tent door and the wide eyed Hobbit- once, twice, three times. It was now or seemingly never.  
“Anyway…” he began once more, sheathing his sword and hastily rising, nearly tripping over himself in the process, “I think that answers all your questions. It was nice having this talk, and if you have any other questions then tomorrow you can-“  
“No, no, not yet, sit down. You didn’t answer my last one. Is there anything else I need to know about lasses?”  
Boromir sighed, and once more, his head was in his hand. This was getting a little too in depth for his contract. “Well, there’s plenty, but I think you’d enjoy it more if you find it out for yourself.”  
“One more thing, please?” Pippin asked, which could be rephrased as making Boromir answer. Both knew the man couldn’t say no to anything from his smaller companion. It was a blessing and a curse. But maybe tonight he could shuck that responsibility off… hm. He had an idea.  
“It’s getting late, Pip. Tomorrow at breakfast, why don’t you ask Aragorn the rest of your questions? We all saw how he looked at that Maiden back in Rivendell, so I’m sure he’d be excited to discuss all sorts of topics with you.”  
The laughing from Aragorn’s tent stopped.  
And once Boromir left, laughing started from Pippin and Merry’s. Coming back in, the older cousin could only ask why the younger was in such a fit of laughter. Opening his eyes with that wide grin only a Took could make, Pippin leaned forward to slyly say:  
“The only interesting thing from Boromir’s visit was just how red his face got.”  
“...What?”  
“You fool of a Brandybuck, Merry! Don’t you get it? I already knew all that!”


End file.
